A 21st Century Resume

For centuries, companies have hired people solely for their ability to contribute to the bottom line, without any regard for wider social justice issues or the welfare of society. Today however, much of this has changed for the better, and job applicants are assessed against a much wider range of criteria, beyond qualifications and experience.

Affirmative action has changed the face of the job market, opening doors to applicants from all backgrounds, many of whom would be rejected on the basis of skills alone, but who pass with flying colors when their victim status is taken into account. Affirmative action programs use the victim pyramid to assess each job applicant’s level of victimhood, and make this the primary selection criteria. In the modern job market, a straight, white cis-male with a degree in electrical engineering from MIT is less likely to be selected for a senior engineering position than a lesbian, black transgender with a major in African studies and a minor in “business studies”.

In light of these new selection criteria, many applicants are restructuring their resumes to emphasize matters of identity politics over qualifications. The following example of a top 21st century resume demonstrates the importance of victimhood in today’s competitive job market, and how applicants are using affirmative action to advance their careers.

A 21st Century Resume

Dwayne Woodley, Age 25, Ferguson

Race: African American

Sports: Basketball, football (quarterback)

Qualifications:

• Major in African American Studies, minor in Business from University of Miami (GPA 2.2)
• Member of Black Lives Matter, University of Miami
• Wrote my dissertation on African Americans in business and institutional racism

Disabilities:

• Come from a low socio-economic background
• Learning disability
• Attention deficit disorder
• Dyslexia
• Post traumatic slave disorder

Experience: 

• Activism at anti-Trump rallies
• Attended president Barrack Obama’s inauguration
• Sat on student diversity committee

This resume would likely land Mr Woodley a top graduate position at a fortune 500 company and a place on the diversity panel, giving him much leverage and sway within the corporation. His application is unlikely to be rejected, and he is unlikely to be fired, due to the range of law suits that he is entitled to file on the basis of his race.

Affirmative action is making America one of the most competitive nations in the world, allowing our companies to dominate rivals in countries like Japan, who haven’t yet discovered the benefits of diversity and affirmative action. With America’s rapidly changing demographics, soon white males may be unable to find job opportunities as they are crowded out by recent immigrants. This is karma for hundreds of years of white oppression and colonialism, and marks the beginning of a new era of diversity, tolerance and social justice.

Please support MillionDollarBonus on Patreon