The Accredited Times’ 2019 Festivus Report

As some of you may be aware, Rand Paul recently released his 2019 “Festivus Report” in which he bemoans supposed “spending grievances” committed by the U.S. government. What a laughable notion, as Keynesians astutely point out that government spending is key in increasing aggregate demand and driving economic growth. Paul’s report alleges “$50,463,462,292.35 of waste”, then rambles on with some dubious statistics about how those funds could have supposedly been properly allocated. Fear not, however; in the Accredited Times’ first annual Festivus Report, we plan to debunk Rand’s mumbo jumbo while highlighting some of the government’s most perspicacious appropriations.

First thing’s first: the statistics.

Paul begins his report with the allegation:

If the waste I found is: $50,463,462,292.35

And the average taxpayer pays about: $8,215.48

Then Uncle Sam WASTED the taxes of: 6,142,484 people

That’s 137% of the population of Chairman Paul’s home state of Kentucky

Let’s go line by line. We’ve already established and will elucidate further in this article that the supposed ~$50 billion spent is not actually waste. Next, Paul claims that the average taxpayer pays about $8,215.48 while providing no source for this number; one might say that Paul takes this number from thin air as a dogwhistle to those on the right that always complain “muh taxes too high”. Finally, Paul deduces that 6,000,000 taxpayers’ taxes have been wasted (he apparently reached this number through math, which is racist), then claims this is 137% of Kentucky’s population, another flawed claim which fails to take into account the thousands of undocumented immigrants that have taken root in Kentucky. Not off to a good start, Rand.

Now for the top 7 government allocations of 2019.

• The NIH and NSF are spending up to $1,200,000.00 to study online dating user habits.

Whether it be landing a man on the moon or inventing next-generation defense technology, the U.S. government has always been on the cutting-edge of research, and studying online dating user habits is no exception. With new gender identities being discovered every day, it’s necessary to investigate the impact that this has on online dating. Paul’s summary only covers the results discovered regarding men and womyn; this leads me to wonder if $1,200,000.00 was enough, or if right-wingers in Congress withheld funds in a blatant act of homophobia and transphobia.

• The State Department is spending $2,000,000.00 to improve TV programming in Moldova.

That’s right, the Russians are at it again, this time in Moldova (a former Soviet-bloc member). If the 2016 election of Trump or Corbyn’s shocking defeat in the UK taught us anything, it’s that the Russians are never satisfied when it comes to meddling in other states’ affairs. After the wonders worked by the likes of Barack Obama and Joe Biden in other countries such as Ukraine, it’s no wonder that the State Department would see the need to protect a global powerhouse like Moldova from the evil Russians. Paul doesn’t provide any description of the content that the State Department is offering Moldova, but we certainly hope that it includes numerous programs about all and sundry in the LGBTQIA+ community. Perhaps a Moldovan Batwoman is in order?

• The NSF spent $103,777.00 to teach social scientists how to apply for grants.

Members of academia already have enough on their hands. Whether it’s teaching packed classes full of minority scholars or attending Liz Warren rallies, college professors are perhaps the most under-appreciated members of society. It’s great to see the government giving back to these folks and helping them understand the grant writing process so that they can get back to their cutting-edge research.

• USAID is committing “up to” $10,000,000.00 on “green growth” in Peru.

Some countries are not full of backwards flyover rubes that raise cows and drive Hummers. In a perfect world, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’ Green New Deal would already be in full-swing in the U.S. Alas, this is not the case. Fortunately, this has not stopped the government from helping other countries implement their own Green New Deals. According to USAID, “The envisioned activities will facilitate private sector financing and investment in value chains that lead to improved management of natural resources and a reduction of GHG [greenhouse gas] emissions.” If we want to prevent the world from ending in 12 years, Peru must reduce greenhouse gas emissions IMMEDIATELY!

• State is spending up to $100,000.00 to increase the capacity of the Pakistani film industry.

It goes without saying that Islamic fundamentalism is a boon to any society upon which it alights. Take London, for example. In my opinion, $100,000.00 is a bit paltry, but everything counts. With the U.S.’s backing, Pakistan can become a cinematic powerhouse which would see accredited actors like Leo DiCaprio, Brie Larson, and Robert DeNiro flocking to Islamabaliwood.

• NSF spent a significant portion of a $466,991.00 grant on studying frog mating calls.

In 2010, Alex Jones infamously claimed that chemicals in the water are turning frogs gay. We all know that Jones is a raving lunatic, but now we have government research to back us up. It’s not chemicals in the water that turn frogs gay, rather it’s where they live. According to the NSF study conducted in Panama, “Urban life seems to have benefited the male frogs, who call at higher rates and have a more complex, attractive mating call than their forest-dwelling counterparts.” From this research we can conclude that urban frogs are much more flamboyant and favor homosexual relationships as opposed to those that live in the rural backcountry. Sound familiar?

• The NIH is spending up to $708,466 on research in London that involves hooking Zebrafish on nicotine.

This one explains itself, I wouldn’t want to insult the intelligence of an accredited reader by explaining why this is necessary.

As you can see, the government is spending tax revenues in wondrous and whimsical ways. This begs the question, why aren’t taxes higher? If we taxed billionaires even a fraction of a percent more, the government could demolish Mount Rushmore and replace it with a giant bust of Obama or investigate the plight of transexual giraffes in Tanzania. This is why it is crucial that we take back the White House in 2020. This is why Rand Paul will never be president.

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