After Russia’s impossible 5-0 victory over Saudi Arabia in this year’s Soccer World Cup, many seasoned consumers of accredited media have rightly suspected that the Russian government secretly fixed the result of the game. During this week’s Accredited Times team building event, we spent a huge portion of our company budget on drinks, inspirational speakers, and a variety of nursery school games organized by our all-female HR department. During the event, we made time to watch the game with a couple of drinks to learn about the importance of working as a team, and to root for our second greatest ally in the war on terror, Saudi Arabia. As we watched the fame progress, we became more and more distraught as the Russians scored goal after goal, as if guided by some invisible spiritual force! When the game ended at 5-0, we were all stunned, and very, very angry. We immediately contacted our anonymous sources in all 19 US intelligence agencies, and what they said promptly confirmed our suspicions that this was a case of Russian meddling.
According to one of our anonymous sources:
“Russia has been caught meddling with so many things in the past, which makes the result of this match rather suspect. In my expert opinion, this result has been manufactured, not only to boost Russia’s morale, but also to garner artificial respect for both Russia and the Trump campaign.”
Another anonymous source echoed these sentiments, stating that:
“This result certainly looks as if it’s a result of Russian meddling. What makes it doubly suspicious is that the game was against Saudi Arabia, our second greatest ally, and our second most important partner in the war on Syrian, Iranian and white supremacist terror.”
Based on these statements, I think it’s safe to conclude that the game was in fact rigged, just as we suspected. Statements and professional opinions from completely objective and trustworthy anonymous intelligence agents is all we need. Their statements ARE evidence, because, as Richard Dawkins says, they’ are infallible experts in their fields. Experts never get things wrong, and they never lie.
So there you have it folks – yet more evidence of Russian deviousness and yet another case for Trump’s impeachment. I strongly urge all of you NOT to visit Russia to watch this World Cup. Russia is our number one enemy, followed closely by Iran and Syria, and we need to boycott everything they do. If they win one more game, then it’s time to bring out the nukes, and teach these Russian bastards a lesson that they’ll never forget.
Hacking involves computers. Soccer involves a grass field, ball, and speedy players who kick the ball into their opponent’s net. Soccer doesn’t involve kicking computers, although Hillary directed her Blackberries to be hammered. Did you get hammered before writing this story?
I did actually. Our team building event was a ball.
Russia lost that match. The Saudis scored goal after goal.
The reason the score said 5-0 was because of deplorable Russians who cheated and changed the score on the scoreboard by bringing in illegal and unregistered players.
Ted,
After Jimmy Kimmel embarrasses you on the basketball court hopefully you will apologize for all the evil hateful GOP actions you have done and will start to vote the liberal agenda.
I recommend you hold your breath while waiting on those events.
#domestic-terrorism
I’m asking for prayers that my balls will all fall….
https://mobile.twitter.com/hashtag/KimmelvsCruz?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw&ref_url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.chicksonright.com%2F2018%2F06%2F15%2Fted-cruz-prepares-for-the-showdown-of-the-summer%2F
Russia is prepared for this big investment and losing the world cup is out of their equation.
They better be prepared to lose, because we’re prepared to go to war with them if they don’t
I think that we could definitely pursue a small footprint foreign policy in this case to provide a counter balance to Russia and preserve our Pax Americana. We could leverage special operations capabilities and drones to conduct surgical air strikes against pro Russia targets to send a measured response. We at CATO would definitely leverage our foreign policy scholars to write several white papers to submit sustainable courses of action to the Pentagon. By sustainable we mean budget wise, although budgets are certainly negotiable too. We wouldn’t want to give the impression that we aren’t willing to compromise on every single one of our beliefs for a seat at the table. A robust, yet “effective” foreign policy posture is essential to preserve “liberty” at home.
But a robust and effective foreign policy absolutely must have input from our greatest ally in the whole world, Israel. In fact, they should be writing our foreign policy and then using Mossad’s notorious means of blackmailing people to compromise our key policy makers. Our foreign policy isn’t there simply to promote the interests of privileged racist white Americans – it’s there to advance the interests of those at the apex of the oppression pyramid.
Who else beside me and Louise Mensch see the connection between this Russian win and the USA getting the 2026 world cup games?
Way too much of a coincidence?
It’s obviously Russian collusion. A favor for Trump no doubt.
It is known that sand monkeys are not natural soccer players
Without the reward of women to rape, the incentives for Muslims to do anything drops tremendously.
While Mules can serve as a temporary substitute for women, even Mules are not available to the sand monkey players.
A belated thanks for organising the AT team building event, which I thoroughly enjoyed. It was sheer brilliance to bring last year’s flipchart notes to the ‘work session’ in the morning. As you pointed out, none of our collective ideas from 2017 and objectives (e.g. take-over of Time Warner) have been put into action and so they remain fully relevant for 2018/19. This allowed us to finish early and head to the bar for much-needed drinks!
The afternoon’s team-building events were a spectacular success. I loved the originality of trying to build a bridge to get from one point to another using an assortment of objects. Maybe other companies could try this as well? Sorry for breaking some of the items; I guess I was never meant to be an engineer, and I had done a bit too much team-building at the bar.
Glad you liked it Pbier. I felt that the exercise where we threw tennis balls to each other really taught us some fundamental lessons about team work. It’s all well and good getting into the dry and boring concepts of leadership and team work, but you really need to do something hands-on to understand it properly. Throwing tennis balls to each other puts all of the abstract leadership principles into practice so that you can properly grasp all of the underlying concepts.
People wearing lampshades make the best bridge builders. “To engineer is human.”
The UN should take precedence over national supreme courts. They are a higher level governing body, and should therefore have more power, not less. Our whole global political system is completely back to front.