For those of us who watch and read the accredited media, the world is a simple place, and right wingers are just too damned stupid to see things our way. CNN educates us about how incompetent, unpopular and bigoted Trump is, while the BBC educates us about how disastrous a no-deal Brexit would be. For us, these aren’t just opinions – they’re accredited opinions, sanctioned by the experts on TV and in the major newspapers, and are therefore tantamount to fact. Is it possible that these opinions might be incorrect? Sure, it’s possible. It’s also possible that a giant meteor will hit the earth tomorrow, or that dinosaurs will accidentally come back to life in Beyond Meat’s laboratories. Accredited opinions have been vetted by experts from across all major institutions and are so widely understood to be true that you can hear the same opinions on every accredited news channel on TV, every public speaking event, every radio station and at every middle class dinner party. What are the chances that something that widely repeated is false? Pretty slim, obviously.
Some of you may be wondering why the Accredited Times is advocating accredited opinions, when we previously stated that you’re entitled to your own opinions, but you’re not entitled to your own facts? Well, the reality is, accredited opinions come as close to fact as we’re ever going to get. When all authorities agree on something, you can rest assured that they’ve done their research into what’s true and what isn’t, and have come to the conclusion that the accredited opinion they’re spouting is correct. We don’t need to “do the research” or “question” anything because it’s already done for us. And if we were to do some thinking, then we’d most likely adopt the lines of thinking also laid out for us by the accredited media. For example, when probed about why Trump is the worst president ever, we have the following lines of reasoning ready made for us, which we can simply repeat:
- Trump is a racist
- Trump called Mexicans rapists
- Trump colluded with Russia
- Trump obstructed justice
- Trump is an idiot
- Trump puts children in cages!
There’s no need to think from first principles because even the argumentation itself is provided to us by the accredited media, ready to use as is. Similarly, when probed about why Brexit is bad, we can simply repeat the following lines that have been carefully prepared for us:
- A no-deal Brexit would be disastrous for Britain’s economy (or any approved variation of this statement)
- The UK will have to accept American chlorinated chicken if a trade deal with the US is struck
- MP’s won’t agree to the backstop
- We need a people’s vote
As we covered previously at the Accredited Times, Trump’s election and Brexit are the defining events of the post-truth era, in which cold hard facts and accredited opinions simply don’t matter anymore. But if we repeat the accredited opinions enough times, so that people can hear the same things from regular people that they do from the media, then maybe this will change. It’s extremely important that all of us therefore repeat these opinions many times over, confidently and loudly, as if to dare anyone to disagree with us. The following is a curated list of accredited opinions that will help you get started, but I encourage you all to watch TV to stay up to date with the latest ones.
- Trump is the worst president ever
- America is a nation of immigrants
- African Americans are affected by the legacy of slavery
- Brexit is a “shambles”
- Boris Johnson is awful
- Was the prorogation secretly plotted in August??
- Will Boris Johnson follow the law and rule out a no-deal Brexit??
- Race is a social construct
- People of color are unjustly targeted by the police
- The LGBTQ+ community are inspiring
- Gender is a social construct
- There is a humanitarian crisis in Syria
- Muslim refugee children are drowning
- Mexican children are dying in cages
- Populism is dangerous
- Nazis are bad
- Right wingers are like Nazis
- We need to be wary of right wing extremism
- Cholesterol causes heart disease
- Red meat is bad for you
- Vegetables are good for you
- Meat is the primary cause of the climate emergency (since two months ago)
- We need to reduce our carbon footprint
- We need to focus on men’s mental health
- Diversity is our strength
Armed with these pre-screened and approved opinions, it’s your job to now go out and repeat these phrases ad infinitum. Make sure you always speak your opinions loudly in public places because, judging by the media coverage of the above topics, pretty much every sane person agrees with you anyway. Which of course begs the question, why bother repeating these opinions at all? Well, because we need to show others how informed we are, and educate the few insane people who don’t yet know these things.
So if you want to be a productive progressive – just watching TV isn’t enough. We need to watch TV and repeat what we see on TV to other people. So for the sake of progress, get watching and get repeating.
Animals are just as human as assigned-at-birth-humans
Children should be given the vote because the future belongs to them
Brexiteers are racist, sexist and homophobic
We shouldn’t have children because the world is already over-populated
Abortion is health care and a fundamental right
Yes, we shouldn’t have children, but the few we do have should be allowed to vote. Greta Thunberg DEMANDS that you shut down her generation’s economy!
Flag me if you must, but I’m sticking with Chairman Mao on this one!
Some quotes from Mao’s Little Red Book:
“Political power grows out of the barrel of a gun.”
“To read too many books is harmful.”
“In waking a tiger, use a long stick.”
“A revolution is not a dinner party.”
“Woymn hold up half the sky.”
#accredited-times-pick
Extremely wise. This is almost as good as the very trendy Sun Tzu’s “Art of War”, which all self-help gurus are recommending. The Chinese are the masters at war, except during the opium war when the British built the first ever fleet of iron ships on the spur of the moment, sailed all the way to China, and destroyed the entire Chinese Navy in their own waters without losing one person, while simultaneously running a giant empire. This was just a once-off defeat though – the Chinese are still far wiser and smarter at war. True warfare is all about hiding in the shadows and tricking people, rather than foolishly fighting out in the open.
“But if you go carrying pictures of chairman Mao
You ain’t going to make it with anyone anyhow”
Wasn’t it Lenin who said that, bro?
Yes, John Lenin.
My bunker is military surplus and hardened against a direct hit, so no TV waves can penetrate it. That gets me off the hook, so I can smoke some more weed!
I see your a man like the kinda stuff gives you a good buzz, Colonel. When you come to Riyadh lemme shpow you my local hookah bar!
I continue to believe that while whipping is good
IMPALEMENT is even BETTER!
#furryphobic
How many times you repeat this until you’ll walk on water? The crocodile farm water.
Now known officially as the Kookey Roberts croc farm.