An Accredited Guide to Small Talk

In the age of Trump, Brexit, #MeToo and post-truth politics, conversations have become tenser than ever. Make one faux pas, offend the wrong person or make one inappropriate reference, and even if you only had the best of intentions, you can expect to be met with a barrage of righteous indignation. In mild cases, you might be ostracized by trendy progressives who no longer want to be friends with you, delivering a devastating blow to your social life and social status, and in extreme cases, you might end up getting fired from your 9 – 5 permanent job. So how exactly do you avoid saying the wrong thing in today’s polarized political landscape? The safe thing to do in all cases, is to stick to small talk.

In the age of armchair economists and know-it-all skeptics, the art of small talk has largely been lost. Conversations that used to consist of nothing but pleasantries now dive immediately into contentious political topics and rapidly devolve into arguments and sometimes even physical fights. People simply don’t know how to have a decent conversation anymore, and the result has been more conflict, more isolation and less cohesion as a multicultural, tolerant society. So to get you started, here are some pointers on what to talk about and what not to talk about during a conservation:

Think About How Something Could Be Taken The Wrong Way

Always go over every sentence in your head before speaking it, and ask the following questions:

• How could this sentence be interpreted as racist, sexist, homophobic or inappropriate?
• Is there any way to phrase what I want to say more tactfully?
• Is anyone within a ten meter radius black, female, Muslim or a member of a victim group that is likely to be offended?
• Is there really any point in saying this at all?

After considering and re-considering each of these questions multiple times, you should then make a judgement based on how comfortable you are that what you’re about to say isn’t offensive. If you still have any significant apprehension after going through this process three times, then keep your mouth shut, and think of something else to say.

Don’t Talk About Anything Contentious

Stay clear of any topics that could lead to offense later in the conversation. Some topics should be avoided altogether, such as genetics, which can lead to uncomfortable conclusions about race and gender, or statistics, which can raise difficult and hurtful facts that fly in the face of many treasured progressive narratives. A good guide as to what you can and can’t talk about is which articles the Guardian allows people to comment on – if comments are banned on an article, you can assume that the topic is contentious, and should be avoided. A lot of people find this one hard because it rules out pretty much everything important, but this is exactly why people need to learn to love small talk. Small talk requires you to exclusively talk about things that aren’t important, and you may be surprised to learn about just how much trivia there is to discuss.

Talk About Trivial Events and Gossip

Did your local fire department save a cat who got stuck in someone’s tree the other day? Gosh! Did your friend’s friend’s cousin get married last week? Well what about that! Is there a new iPhone due to be released soon? Wow! Did a celebrity couple break up the other day? You’re kidding me! These are all appropriate things to talk about, and each one could be worth an hour’s conversation with enough follow up questions and opinions thrown in.

Make Snarky Quips About Selected Accredited News Events

Be careful with this one, because it’s best to avoid contentious topics altogether as mentioned above, but in some cases, it’s ok to make a quick flippant statement about an unaccredited person or group of people you don’t like, or a news event that displeases you. For example, if Trump just got caught red-handed colluding with Russia for the 20th time in a row, you can say something like, “well what do you know, sounds like Trump’s been at it with Russia again!”. This can be a good conversation-starter, as no unaccredited fool is going to dare argue with you, given the confrontational nature of the statement, and others are implicitly invited to agree with you and repeat the accredited narrative on the situation.

Talk About Sports

Discussing sports is a great way to bond with your colleagues, and this is the topic of choice for many savvy executives with the gift of the gab. Knowing about who won which sports game over the weekend proves that you’re up with events and know what’s going on in the world. It also proves that you’re a bit of a character because it’s not really a serious topic, and yet you’re talking about it during a serious business meeting, LOL! This topic tends to be pretty safe to discuss, as long as you don’t give any indication that you disapprove of African Americans kneeling to the national anthem.

Listen To Your Gut

If you have a funny feeling about something you’re about to say, then shut it, and live to speak another day. Conversations in the age of hate are a minefield that must be trodden carefully, and any apprehension you may have about saying something needs to be taken seriously. Say the wrong words and you could end up jobless or even land yourself in jail, so think long and hard before opening your mouth, and pay close attention to your gut at all times.

Please support MillionDollarBonus on Patreon