Three weeks into the New Year, and my guess is that many people’s resolution to finally ‘get fit’ and ‘lose some weight’ is already falling by the way-side. It was all so predictable say the cynics. So many ‘weak-willed’ individuals blithely piled on the pounds during Kwanzaa, gorging on vegan tempura and high-calorie drinks, naively believing they would lose it instantly by running for five minutes on the treadmill. They shelled out hundreds if not thousands of dollars in gym annual subscription fees, only to abandon the gym after maybe one or two visits.
As they now revert to the sedentary Netflix-filled life whence they came, it turns out they made a smart decision to leave the gym behind. Contrary to popular belief, physical exercise is not only unnatural, it is actually extremely dangerous to one’s health. We’re not even referring to people suffering heart attacks during a jog (although this happens with frequent regularity), or even the myriad injuries that can befall cyclists, runners, archery enthusiasts. The problem is much more basic than that.
According to many health studies, humans only have a finite number of heartbeats. Once the last heartbeat is done, you become lifeforce-challenged. According to the rate of living theory, the faster your metabolism, the shorter your lifespan. The average human gets approximately 2.21 billion heartbeats in a lifetime, just a few more than a chicken which gets 2.17 billion heartbeats.
However, the chicken’s average resting heartrate is 275 versus 60 for a human, meaning that we get to live to 70 years whereas the chicken’s final heartbeat occurs at the age of 15 (assuming it is not murdered before then to feed evil humans).
It is well-known that cardiovascular exercise elevates the heart rate; this, after all, is said to be the purpose of doing sports like running, rowing, cycling, the theory being that such exercise makes one ‘fitter’. Elevating the heart rate in this way is about the worst possible thing you can do, because you use up your finite heartbeats much quicker. Assuming that your heartbeat rises to 180 when you run, then, using simple arithmetic, you will surely die at the age of about 23 were you to run 24 hours each day, beginning as a newborn baby.
Already I hear the objections from the dissenters. Surely, they say, if your cardiovascular fitness improves then your resting pulse will decrease, meaning that your heartbeats will take longer to get used up. Instead of having resting pulse of 60, you might get it down to say 50, 40 etc. You might then die at 80 rather than 70.
This is a spurious argument, however, which ignores the above example of someone running 24 hours a day. Such a fitness fantatic never gets to rest so it is a fallacy to speak of a ‘resting pulse’. Moreover, even if athlete does take a break and experiences a lower ‘resting pulse’, the fitter he/ she gets, the lower the resting pulse. Eventually the resting pulse trends towards zero. By definition, someone with zero pulse is dead. Hardly healthy!
Exercising is also ruinous to the economy. Say you decide to walk rather than drive the 100 metre journey to collect your copy of the Accredited Times. Sounds healthy, right? Wrong! Now, you have no need of your car, let alone needing to buy a new one. People get laid off, factories shut down, the Kingdom of Saudi Arabia grinds to a standstill because selfish people like you no longer need gas. Fuck you, you just caused millions of hard-working people to lose their jobs because of your precious ‘health regime’.
Exercise is just wrong on so many levels. It makes you sweaty, thus polluting your environment; it releases natural endorphins instead of making you take accredited pharmaceutical drugs to get a proper high. Exercise is morally wrong, mortally dangerous and needs stamping out.
I’d also note that the calls to “exercise” are simply a veiled form of fat-shaming.
I’m in full agreement here Pbier. Although I’m a little annoyed that Trump agrees with us. Putin does have a rigorous exercise routine though, which explains why he is overly aggressive and can’t stop getting up to mischief that upsets the wotld order. Obama tried exercise a few times, but it just wasn’t for him, and he eventually made the right choice and gave it up.
Thanks, MDB. In fairness I think I’m just stating the obvious about the dangers of physical exercise, which is why most womyn wisely don’t bother. Or, when they do, sensibly restrict their treadmill speed to 4 mph for the 5 minutes they walk. Fat feminists are healthier still, not doing any exercise whatsoever and mostly exercising their tongues by screaming at the patriarchy.
In which of the 57 states he visited was this in?
and does it have imported Chinese Air?
Jesse Owens was the ultimate Uncle Tom.
The Delusional ramblings of a guy who dreamed of the NFL
Just like
Mohammad dreamed of going to Muslim Heaven and cutting the number of required prayers from 50 to 5
A GREAT GREAT blessing
after all who wants to kneel right behind the smelly ass of a Muslim 50 times a day, when praying to Almighty Allah?
Eau de asshole every 15 minutes till you die.
UUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And remember Muslims are required to scrape their ass with a rock, 3 times, after a number 2.
and also remember that 3 follows 2 which follows 1
I think Nuclear fire will rain down from the sky before that happens
NukeMeccaFirstMedinaSecond
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I think there is no danger that Anon will ever exercise. In this respect he is very progressive, so kudos to him for being a fat-ass living in his parents’ basement!
While I may not be svelte I am far from being a fat ass.
Unlike many Blacks, the fattest race in the US
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Making it a blessing to Muslims worldwide.
I bought ice skates! I played organized ice hockey from 9 until 16 and I am excited about skating again. I got invited to skate on a backyard pond with some friends. I prefer to buy used, but I had short notice to find skates, so when I found vegan skates on sale at a sporting goods store I scooped them up. I saw a t-shirt that says on it, “There’s a place for all of God’s creatures . . . right next to the potatoes and gravy.” I told an employee that I’m an animal rights activist and that shirt disgusts me, and she said it looks like other people aren’t fond of it either, because it’s on the discount rack.
You should buy it and them burn it