Another month, and yet another amazing new iGadget hits the market, as always with a mountain of mouth-watering new features. Like all of the iPhones before it, the iPhone X is no ordinary iPhone. It is an item straight out of a time warp stretching thousands of years into the future, boasting an astounding array of space age features. Scientists and engineers of color across the globe are blown away by the sheer ingenuity of this futuristic smart device, and low testosterone progressive Apple fanboys have been clambering over each other to buy it.
The following is a list of the iPhone X’s incredible new features:
- An absolutely mind-blowing new look and feel, with a stylish reinforced glass exterior, and a surgical grade state of the art steel frame.
- A slightly larger screen, that takes up a couple of millimeters more of the front of the phone, making it practically all screen. Yes, you heard that right – all screen, the iPhone X is literally all screen.
- A significantly longer side button, with a couple of new functions.
- A better quality screen and camera, in case you couldn’t discern the finer details of videos and images on your older, lame iPhone.
- Facial recognition, with machine learning that knows you better than you know yourself, allowing intelligent software to recognize you wherever you may be, should Apple’s findings be accidentally leaked or used by our seventeen intelligence agencies.
- Much stronger EMF output, with wireless charging, Bluetooth 5.0 and soon 5G, that helps cause inflammation in the body by activating calcium channels, which reinvigorates your cells, like skin peeling in a spa.
- Animoji’s that allow you to convert your facial expression into a cute animal emoji, using the new depth-sensing camera. This is a great feature for anyone who is trans-species curious, and is very popular with young womyn as those of your who have swiped tinder will know.
In summary, you’d have to be mad not to buy the iPhone X. And at the reasonable price of just $1000 or more, you’re not exactly breaking the bank to get your hands on these indispensable new features. Buying an iPhone X is an investment in yourself and your future. Having the latest iPhone proves that you are smart, and you can show off all of its new features to your jealous friends who can’t afford it. You can look forward to whipping it out in front of envious bystanders in the shopping mall or at the coffee shop, as people point and marvel at your intelligence and foresight for buying such an amazing gadget. So if you want to be part of the Apple club, you better get your hands on this latest iGadget, because if you don’t, then nobody is going to respect or envy you. You need this phone. Just buy it now, trust me.
View Comments (27)
I'm extremely excited by the prospect of stronger EMF output. I wonder if taping two of these to the sides of my head and setting them to repeatedly dial each other will induce sub-cranial swelling and hence a bigger brain. I like my brain tissue like I like my breakfasts: HOT and properly cooked!
Yes, the people who say cell phones and wireless devices cause cancer are conspiracy theorists. There's nothing to worry about. Let your kids hold their iPhone X's to their ears for hours at a time from an early age, and wear Bluetooth 5.0 headsets. Convenience should be the only consideration.
Exactly. Not letting your child have a smart phone should be classed as child-abuse. Access to a source of ionizing radiation and Angry Birds is a basic human right.
all radiation is ionizing radiation. Ultraviolet light is significantly more dangerous than low power microwaves
True...Maybe UV light should be banned or at least taxed by our loving government.
Excuse me Trav, but you are providing FACTS and not FEELINGS. Please refrain from this in future in order not to have your posts flagged as ableist. We may have to sentence you to re-education in Baltimore school system.
Well in their defense, actual scientific and medical studies have found no link between cellphones and cancer unless you use the thing more hours than there are in a day.
In fact, use of a device with a screen should be restricted from small kids...the portable electronics aren't good for brain development. More to do with dopamine and optical pathways than any kind of EMF issues.
However, don't let anything stop you from buying an APPLE phone. I have stock in the company that I need to go up so I can afford to pay for more african children.
Well let's wait and see what they find in the next couple of years. I'm an Apple fan boy all the way. Siri knows everything about me, including my sneaky habit of gorging on some salted raw broccoli sticks on a Saturday night.
Lets' not forget how much are kids' social skills enhanced if they spent all day in front of the small screens as opposed to socializing with their peers.
One day they'll invent apps that are better friends than people. Coupled with virtual reality, this should allow us to eliminate human interactions altogether. Nobody would want to live in the real world because it would be so boring. We could then insert progressive messages into the virtual realities. In fact, we could make things true that racist reality doesn't, like Africans building pyramids and womyn being successful CEO's while taking care of two kids on their own.
Somewhat paradoxically, Haitian children are even cheaper. There's a charitable foundation I know which could help you through their on the ground efforts.
Do they deliver these children to pizza joints in DC area?
How difficult is this facial recognition to turn off.
Since Trump took over the best Obama Phone I can get is not even apple branded. This forces me to purchase my phones from a local street vendor at a discounted rate.
I would assume when he forcefully acquires said product that he can disable the feature while the original owner is still in possession.
I'm a long time Apple Patron and I was honestly a little put off by the price. As you can probably gather from my usage of Apple products, I think of myself as astute yet hip, and I just love what it says about my taste. Apple takes great care to consider their corporate and social justice responsibilities but I absolutely REFUSE to indulge their capitalist prodding.
My advice is, it's a smart buy at any price, but the key is to get the payments low enough. The local retail store wanted to charge me $1100 out the door but I didn't budge until I was able to work him down to 24 affordable monthly payments of $100. You just have to be smart about how you shop. Like MDB said, it's an investment. Good luck
Oh yeah, buy it on credit if you don't have the money now. Don't wait till the price comes down and you have more money, it'll be lame then. You need to get it while it's still cool. Seriously, it's an investment in yourself and your future. How much are you willing to spend on your future? How much are you worth?
Wow, never though of this, it makes iphone so much more affordable. I might even be able to afford it on my welfare!
I guess you are a Baltimore high school graduate, I heard recently that they are the best at math!
that's justice for Trayvawn
Trust who???? I'm the only one I trust, you loser. And it's a damn good thing the gub-ment hasn't declared these devices to be human rights. Doing so would require Apple to raise the price to only $3,000.
It seems like you are trying to make that sound like a bad thing. How is a company making a profit off of a government mandated product a problem?
As instructed by Judge Roberts we simply need to think of it as a tax.
It would be just another splendid example of a Public-Private Partnership (PPP), just like paying $trillion to Rayethon, Boeing, and other military suppliers which we all happily supporting, provided that Democrat such as Obama is in office and that those companies donate to Obama reelection fund or Clinton foundation.
Since Trump locked up the Republican nomination three months ago, employees of 25 of the nation’s largest defense companies have donated $93,000 to Clinton, compared with $46,000 for Trump, according to a POLITICO review of filings with the Federal Election Commission. Clinton's donor rolls also include more than two dozen top defense executives, while Trump’s show just two.
Donors with ties to Pentagon contractors may simply be betting Clinton will win. But some say they are concerned about Trump's pronouncements on national security, which have included skepticism about NATO’s role in countering Russia, and they fear he will follow through on his pledge to upend business as usual in Washington.
“I’ve worked with Republicans and Democrats of all stripes over the years,” said Linda Hudson, who ran the U.S. branch of British defense firm BAE Systems, the Pentagon’s eighth largest contractor, from 2009 to 2014. “And it’s the first time I’ve seen one who scares the hell out of me if he were to become president.”
If the military industrial complex doesn't like Trump, then you know he's a really bad person.
LEADERS leading. Let us hope that note Putin passed to Trump during the handshake did not mention AT.
https://video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search;_ylt=A0LEV7682gVaygIAxYInnIlQ;_ylu=X3oDMTEyMnJhcnZrBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDQjQ3NzNfMQRzZWMDc2M-?p=Putin+and+Trump+Shake+Hands+at+APEC+Summit+Before+Photo+Call&fr=yhs-mozilla-002&hspart=mozilla&hsimp=yhs-002#id=1&vid=3a241e8eac747f0966d7f60f3889f7bd&action=view
#russian-propaganda
Jerk off to your hero Putin. It is quite interesting how Nazi far-right idolizes Putin, who has killed small business, stuffed ballot boxes in order to get elected (107% voted for him in Chechnya), and created the most efficient kleptocracy in the world, enriching himself and his cronies. If you like Adolf Putin, you are exactly like Adolf Hitler!
damn pickpocket. we know what "donate" in your language means.
#racist
#racist
Apple-picking is your right because your ancestors did not get paid for cotton-picking.
The best part of facial recognition is if the donor is unconscious you don't have to remember/know the pass code to get access to your new phone.
Good for you BLM. Buy the way, I hope you didn't think I was suggesting in the article that people of color should have to pay $1000 for their iPhone X's. Of course, you should get it for free. I hear there are also custom made ones with ISIS signs on the back, that are popular with Muslim refugees, who are still somehow able to get sim cards.